Listening to, ‘back to back’, by Drake, I thought of Gary Vee talking about how he had the song on replay when he wrote his book. I must say, I can write up a storm so cheers to that.
On flight 170 to Miami for a fitness event. I have a competitor that we are betting on going pro this weekend. Everyone’s nerves are shot. 1)I had my first sty ever and it was the World’s worst at that. Clients would see it and say, “damn that’s the worst sty I’ve ever seen.”2. I have acne. (had to wait until I’m back home to get on Accutane) How convenient. 3. I forgot the Team warmups that I had worked so hard on.4. The kids are with our nanny in Atlanta. (It’s our first trip ever without the kids.) And for that reason, I am an anxious mess.
I have a photoshoot lined up that I will be doing. I’m shooting for both brands. One is a fitness -somewhat straight-laced Moms brand and the other is sexy glamour. (Talk about yo-yo and alter ego!) I actually Closed a sale as I boarded the plane.
I’m happy to have Skip with me this time. I usually Travel by myself. It’s nice to be alone sometimes, however, sometimes I want his company, especially on show event weekends. I’ve always had big dreams so it’s cool to see some start to come to fruition. This year has been one of THE hardest years I’ve yet to experience, Ever! I was listening to Alanis Morrissette “hand in my pocket” and it clicked! The song finally had a meaning for me. I interrupted it as being pulled in two to 30 directions, not knowing what I’m doing yet everything is going to be o.k. “I’m tired but working, yeah!” So me, I think to myself, why am I feeling this was right now? Oh yea, I have had three pregnancies and two babies within 2.5 years and at the same time launched 2 brands while doubling my online & personal training business, landed in a fitness magazine, got a cover and centerfold with another Sexy lamour Mag, had major abdominal surgery, hormones issues, lost Skip’s mom, my mom and brother went to jail, Skip’s daughter and baby mama drama, Skip moved businesses and I’ve gone through 2 interns, ALL, while keeping my marriage stable. FUCK! Lawd no wonder my hair fell out! By the way, I got the home call this morning on the way to airport to setup my hysterectomy. I’m getting a total hysterectomy in January and at the same time getting a revision for my abdominal surgery I had 6 months ago. (I had diastasis recti, umbilical hernia and being a fitness model, you can’t have that because it makes you look like you have a frat boy beer gut even if you’re 12% bodyfat) I had my boobs redone (bigger and better baby) lol. Y’all know I love big ol boobies. My left one had a weird flat part where a muscle was in front of the implant so she’s going to go back in and fix it while taking care of my belly button because she didn’t pull my skin down and give me a full tummy tuck like I wanted. I honestly didn’t know the difference in a full and mini tummy tuck. Apparently, I agreed to a partial. (Insert emoji girl shrugging shoulders) well, I look like a laid on a candle lol. I still have TONS of loose nasty skin hanging off of my little tight body- it doesn’t look good. So, I’m getting that fixed during hysterectomy. I’m so nervous and oh it’s bittersweet to know I’m done with recreating.
Even though I want to puke, die and shoot myself thinking of going through another pregnancy. I want another kid or three. I LOVE my babies. I tear up writing that because I. Love. My. Boys. There’s nothing like a GOOD Mother’s love and being able to watch them grow. It’s funny, when I’m fertile, I tell Skip to play along and act like we’re going to have another baby. He laughs, plays along and understands what I’m going through. Hormones are CRAZY! It’s like breastfeeding. You know you need to stop but you feel like a piece of shit at the same time for stopping. The hysterectomy is like that for me. Knowing I’m “done” is sad but relieving at the same time. I tell myself that I’ll just get a dog lol. In all realness, I would adopt a baby girl (bi-racial) in a few years when and if I’m yearning for more constant child chaos. We are landing… I’ll talk soon
Headed back home. It’s 6:15pm Monday evening, Rainey here in Fort Lauderdale. We didn’t have assigned seats so Skip and I weren’t able to sit together. I feel like my breath is horrendous and I’m sooooo fucking sleepy. I stopped all caffeine 2 weeks ago and stuck to Adderall only. I get a lot more done with zero anxiety vs caffeine so that’s a plus. Skip can tell when I don’t take my meds. Our nanny even mentioned she could tell that my mind seemed more at ease. Go figure
Well, my client won! She is now a pro and she looked good enough to be on a pro stage so we are excited about her competing as a pro next year. She has talent. If you’re a coach, you know how fun it is to work with talent especially talent that works hard.
Miami – I didn’t like. Maybe I need to have about 10 million in order to enjoy it? I’m not sure. It feels like Puerto Rico which I didn’t enjoy either. Maybe the Latin culture isn’t for me. I like the gulf and or Caribbean when it comes to beaches and oceans. I should have gone to a strip club or a club here in Miami to get the full feel. The energy wasn’t me either. I did like the inter coastal life. The badass boats going through the city was pretty cool to see. I am so tired of bougie ass restaurants. Jesus…. I’ll be the millionaire chowing down at a local beach pub or gentlemen’s club vs capital grill. so far, Southern California is my jam. The energy is magnetic for me. I get sick when I have to leave. I enjoyed Tampa, Clearwater etc and Cali so far. Those are my places. Atlanta has my heart too. I LOVE southern hip hop, and rap.
As I write this, we are jerking around above the Everglades. Greaattttt. It’s storming so turbulence is bad and we fly over the FLA Everglades for a while. Lawdddd bring me something for my nerves.
Went to see housewives of Miami Dr. Hochstein about a revision for my messed-up tummy tuck and belly button. I have been so discouraged today because the news I got. He said, the boob is an easy fix because the implant didn’t have room to settle and just needed a muscle to be cut so it settles like the other pocket did. At rest, I have a small flat part and when I flex, my left boob does something weird and looks distorted. They are soooo nice, I just want them perfect. My stomach said,” if she didn’t cut your belly button stalk, we are in good shape” and a full tummy tuck will make alllll loose skin and stretch marks very low and my tummy and belly button will look great. If she did cut my stalk, it’s a no no and a bad decision because my belly button could ‘die’ and I would have to have a fake one made (it wouldn’t like right he said). My doctor told me the same thing but said that a dead belly button would look BETTER than what I was left with after the mini tummy tuck aka right fucking now. By the way, don’t EVER get a mini tummy tuck!!!! That did me in! Worst decision I’ve ever made even though I trusted her to do what she needed to do to make me look fab. So, I’m in limbo about moving forward with the tummy. I’m going to ask about a reverse tummy tuck because I could care less about scars. I want my tummy to look better.
It’s interesting to see that, THE DAY of the show, the second it was over, I had no more pimples. I had been very stressed about the show and all of the events leading up to it that I was way over my ski tips in stress. There’s so much that I observed this weekend that made me feel some type of way. Questioning, is this worth it? Having people with power trips, POWER TRIP on me! The fitness industry (just like any other industry), has its cons and things or people that make you go, hmm. It’s like the typical stereotype of fitness people being self-absorbed or thinking they are better than others because they have 100K followers or abs back in 2010. What’s ironic is that while they seem like they have everything, they have nothing in life but their Instagram followers and supplement companies that leverage these ‘need to be seen’ model networks and make money while they, the fitness model, struggle because they are too absorbed in the sport to actually build something residual. (better marry a doctor or businessman because it’s going to be hard to get out of your 1BR apartment with no furniture being an IG wannabe somebody special.
So why can’t you have it all? Abs, followers, respect, value, family, kids, a partner that loves you and only you, money, and health. Furniture or a marriage? Hmm.