Hello My FAVORITE people. I say that bc you read this KNOWING what to expect out of me.. cursing, judgmental views, politically incorrect and bad grammar.. anddddd ya still like me.
Where ever you are.. I dig you to. plz drop a reply or email/facebook message and introduce yourself if you read my blogs and I don’t know ya.
need to go grab my journal to see what I have left off. Today is 1-21-15 about 3:57. My client cancelled and it has been on my mind to write because SO much has changed and to be honest. I just teared up in gratitude bc of it. (i’m a cry baby when it comes to grateful and happy things) I didn’t use to be! (and no you #just wait) mama bitches… that blame EVERYTHING on babies and pregnancy…
in my house.. crying was WEAK not to mention being a woman! because women were the “weaker species”. I have done a lot of healing (with teachers) in the past along with books, meditations, God,angels and everything else that leads to clarity/enlightenment . I had severe acne from just anger that I would pack away from when I was about 12-13 (or whenever I started my period). hide it with birth control and then it re surfaced when I was 23. Luckily I sought NATURAL healing vs Dr’s/ and the natural healing changed my LIFE!
I am 25 weeks (be 26 in 2 days) SO CLOSE to third trimester! freakin pumped! He is doing ded blame kung fu up in there too.. Skip said, “how do you sleep while he does that”?!
it’s like gas pain bubbles without the pain. so you can zone it out. I don’t even think about it really. He actually r
responds to our voice and touch. I have had lots of fear about having him prematurely. It’s normal to have fears… especially when unaware people or people that don’t know shit about you say.. you better watch out.. you are doing too much.. I’m like “bitch”, you have NO CLUE what I use to do!
all that matters is that my teachers/healers/ and skip says im doing good. bc they KNOW me. When I first got pregnant, I feared losing him. That was a “deserving issue” i had to overcome. My mom would always pump shit in my head like.. You don’t deserve this or that bc SHE never got to experience it..
Always remember.. Fear is false emotion appearing real.. and then I ask myself.. is that god? and of course not.. the fear goes away. another way i rid it is writing everything down then burning it. I like to write bc no one can judge me.
Most of you know that I do not have a relationship with my mom. I have taken her strung out butt to rehab TWICE! and let her live with us when we were dirt poor…she is my birth mom/real mom too. she was molested growing up so she would tell me IN DETAIL all about it at the ripe age of about 5-6.. (while she would drink her natural light and tell me about her my dad’s sex life) she was also an alcoholic. Her mom ( my grandmother) showed me porn at 7. yes, shocking…so growing up i was sexually or just mentally abused. heck, I thought it was normal. I watched my parents fight, choke each other, pull guns at us and each other, mom would seize out, pass out in the floor and I remember having have to mop around her bc she took too many pills. all while raising my little bro ( he is 10 yrs younger) .. feel no pity bc I thought this life was normal and it has made me the woman I am today
My parents FINALLY split when her addiction got so bad she would beat in the doors with claw hammers to get her pills that my dad would lock away. she also got abusive towards me and my bro so after 21 years they went through a NASTY divorce! cops at my house all the time on school nights.. and the teachers would talk shit about me bc I was hanging with the “wrong” crowd.. you never know what a kid is going through so adults.. grow the fuck up and try and help instead of scrutinize.. She used to make me think my DAD was the bad one and even ask me if he ever touched me ( at the age of 6-9) who does that????? a broken soul.. now that I know. she just needed healing! so sad.
fast forward to now. It had been about a year since I spoke to her or saw her in person. Holidays this year were rough bc i had to make my family PROMISE to keep her away for thanksgiving and Christmas or I wouldn’t come. They kept their promises. (bc you see, my dad seemed to never care about what i told him. he could have protected us a long time ago and got us away from her) once again.. he was a broken soul that didn’t know better.
I have forgiven him and have a pretty good hour away relationship with him currently. He has a straight head or is not AS messed up as my mom. I went to a healing session bc when I got pregnant she started harassing and calling me all the time to the point of me needing to block her.. My healing teacher told me to answer. that the healing was for her.. not so much for me.. so i did.. i sat there as she told me all about the white trash life she lives ( my words not hers) or pretty much she was telling me all this drama which is low vibrational white trash living that NO ONE of the enlightened world cares to hear about. (yes, I am better than that) After that phone call she told EVERYONE in the fam that me and her made up and was so perfect again ( i know, crazy bitch right) heck , I thought ahh well that was good to get rid of that. I still blocker her number.
I was training a client last week and the heard someone at the door. I thought it was a client so I yelled COME IN! well, to my surprise, it was HER and my brother! She gives my brother prescription pills if he takes her to her Dr.. so of course to “pay her back” I’m sure he would do just about anything along with that fact that she’s a manipulating lying you know what. She told him .. “take me by Casey’s”.. we are friends again and I want to surprise her.. NO DON’T call her.. i want to surprise her.. KNOWING she wasn’t wanted. LUCKILY. the client that was here is unlike most people. she also had a “history” similar to mine and knew the panic in my face when I said.. MY MOM JUST WALKED IN!
I had to calm down. bc my blood pressure went sky high! so i walked out of the gym and heard them going through the upstairs!! the audacity!! I just said in stern voice.. hey, you guys need to leave.. NOW.
she came down the stairs and over towards me and snarled at my client, tried to hug me then left. I was very emotional that day. obviously it needed to happen. it felt like a weird healing session of some sort. My client Akeela (heaven sent) is a life coach as well and said… you know.. she knows you are about to find out that everything she ever did was a lie.. she always told you that having a child was the worse thing you could do and it WOULD ruin your life! and YOU are about to see that a baby is the BIGGEST blessing that could ever be given! that they DO change your life.. FOR THE BETTER! they make you heal and get your stuff together so her soul is uneasy right now. she doesn’t want to be exposed. So you just shut the door and she knows it!. I cried like baby when she told me to listen to this song. only because. My life WAS the third verse of this song!
And Eminem is so right.. it’s lonely when you are by yourself mom and my baby will never know you. I felt to share this bc ..well who knows. maybe you can relate? I hope you find some healing in this blog. Because This little baby in my belly has already changed my life forever. I’m crying right now .. tears of gratitude. Still healing.. bc I was able to “have it all” a man whom my mom always said NEVER existed, great job or (jobs) lol, my dogs, friends and health. I still struggle with thinking I can have it all without “something” being wrong. bc that was an
old tape i grew up listening to. so please guard your mouth around people you love. They may not have the same life experience you had. and NO, you are not protecting them by telling them the bad stuff. That is how my mom rationalizes… she says.. i was teaching you so you would know. and HEY, I am VERY thankful bc i look at girls my age that are so green in the sense of still being up their parents butts, never having it hard and striving to have a happy life when they don’t even know who they really are.. they are just living life my default and not design.
I will upload another blog with food and preggo stuff. It would be too long if I posted to this.
Take care… remember.. CRY! let it out! scream or throw some shit. it’s good for ya. 😉